Spiraling Through the Green Lens of My Paradigm...

2006-11-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

She's been mad for fucking years, absolutely years, been over the edge for yonks
No one told her where to run...
Run, eden run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.
"Live for today, gone tomorrow, that's me, HaHaHaaaaaa!"
So she runs and she runs to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind her again.
Dorthy's home again
she likes to be here when she can.
when she comes home out of the dark
she likes to warm her bones by the fire
she wants to be the great big gig in the sky
tripping in the woods with alice, soaring high
"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."
"I never said I was frightened of dying."
MONEY, get back from her.
Her, and I
And after all we're only ordinary men.
Me, and you.
God only knows it's not what we would choose to do.
Down and out
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about.
With, without.
And she'll deny it's what the fighting's all about.
Out of the way, it's a busy day
She's got things on her mind.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
She's got to keep the loonies on the path.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if her head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see her on the dark side of the moon.
All that she touches
All that she sees
All that she tastes
All she feels.
All that she loves
All that she hates
All she distrusts
All she saves.
All that she gives
All that she deals
All that she buys,
beg, borrow or steal.
All she creates
All she destroys
All that she does
All that she says.
All that she eats
And everyone she meets
All that she slights
And everyone she fights.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."

-A lyrical collage

2006-08-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

there's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
took a pencil and I wrote the following on it
now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
dig it up, throw it at me
can i burn the mazes I grow?

Speeding, rushing, racing; my fingers, mouth and mind fail to die down for even one nanosecond. Is this mania or genuine restlessness. What's the point of labeling it?! haha. I have this overwhelming urge to go go go. Yet in this state of fluent idealism (a plathora of possibilities) I am still at peace somehow. I have an idea of what brought this on. I feel rid of fear of the unknown and societal constraints. Even though I'm a straight A student, I am dreading the thought of going back to school and falling into an acedemic routine. I feel like I have a wealth of knowledge from being in 2 seperate universities for 3 years and even though I just have one year to go...I want to run in the other direction. I want a new type of classroom and I want the material to permeate not just my mind but my soul. Maybe I am manic and this will pass in 2-3 weeks. It's turning into a physical sensation though. I can quite literally feel this intangable urge coursing through my body and I feel like running for miles. Neropinephrine overload perhaps. But I really should consider the possibility of causation not just correlation. In other words, what is causing this physical reaction instead of thinking the chemicals is the cause in itself. I am really craving a quiet moment where I can shut this off and know that even if I do end up going to school for another 5 years that I won't lose myself in the misdt of this rat race. Maybe this is fear being manifested through anxiety. I think I need one hell of a road trip before I'm back in the classroom. Montreal, Hdot..? After experiencing something so real and very much Me, I'm just scared at the thought of settling down into something less than what life is supposed to be now. Nevertheless, I will muster up all my strength to trust things will be the way they are supposed to be and rest in the meantime.

Cheers!

P.S. Happy birthday Whitney! I loves you muchly. xoxo <3

2006-08-26T07:02:00.005-07:00

I know I haven't written on this blog for a solid month and my readers are probably all dispersed but I decided I wanted to start writing openly in a more consistent fashion so here I be. There has been so much substance and depth woven into my memories of this summer. Endless nights of discovery and wonder, spontanious randomness, simple fun, and facing truths about myself I've attempted to cover up and hide.
I had an experience on thursday night that I want to share with the world but I feel like not all of the world would be capable of hearing or seeing the complete colorful spectrum of what I would be trying to articulate. I know one of you out there would try to taint it. Hahaha, God damn cynics. (I love you guys, i really do.)
I've never really believed in destiny but I'm all of a sudden at a point where I cannot deny the seeming 'coincidences' that have occured. At least now, I see that they weren't just coincidences. Have you ever been in a moment where you feel like everything you have ever experienced or thought has led up to that one instant? A very sacred instant of profound purpose. You realize that your experiences and interactions are not just choatically occuring beneath the time continuim..they all lead to a greater direction of something bigger than yourself. This happened to me on thursday. Everything suddenly made sense in one moment; all the pain, all the confusion and dissonance was ceased. It was so empowering for me and also healing. I met a part of myself through another, and he through me. My ego is trying to scream that's it was just an illusion and nothing could ever be this scared, pure, and honest but I have to believe this level of connection is real or else what am I doing here. That night was Who I Am. It's so fucking beautiful when someone attains a complete understanding of your pure essence, which in turn makes you come alive. This can only be achieved two ways. He couldn't have done this for me if I couldn't have done the same for him. We are of the same fabric. The things he pulled out of me I thought were forever dormant. In the back of my mind the awareness was always there but I didn't conjure up enough hope of it ever being drawn out. That night I remember I kept whispering, "This is it." Simple words but very true. After living 7 lifetimes in that one holy moment, I've realized that it would be plain old wrong to deny this level of connection. I could never settle now. I have infinite lifetimes to live in this one lifetime. Thank you for empowering me.

2006-07-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

Sickness grabbed a hold of me today and whispered in my ear that we're going to be friends for awhile. Today was one of those days where everything caught up to me and my inner psychological strife decided it was no longer going to hide in his dark mangeled closet..so out he came. I practically woke up crying this morning and the tears only desist when I make myself fall asleep. My mind has gone forwards, backwards and every which way you can imagine. Actually, i think i left it somewhere along the horizon so if anyone finds it, i would greatly appriciate having that returned. My mom suggested to me that after I come face to face with some of my personal and family issues then I can be the person I am supposed to be. I don't think I completely agree with her statement. I am who I am because of what I've experienced through my feelings and perceptions. I know there is a lot of potential for me to become a brilliantly better person but at the moment I'm fucked and have been this way for awhile now. I think I let adversity define me, which is dangerous but that is a whole other entry.
I'm worn out today, utterly exhausted. I did manage to throw away the mask of denial I was holding over my face regarding my father. Out of all my siblings I crave the most attention from him but he is literally emotionally inept and does not know how to validate the person I've become. He only understands how to provide practicalities and materialistic nessecities. I honestly could care less about that stuff. I just want him to hug me sometimes and tell me he loves me. What the fuck! HELP ME TO ACCEPT THIS!
I feel very tiny and lost right now.

2006-07-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

A mountain of time has passed since I last typed some of my obscure thoughts on this blog. To be honest, I have been greatly distracted, leaving me hardly a minute to morph into my typical introspective self. Right now I have knots in my stomach about this up coming weekend. Maybe it's the caffine and smoking. It's rather peculair because I haven't experienced anxiety all summer and I don't know why I would have this feeling about going to Shoreline..especially after Sunseeker was mindlessly amazing. Hmmm. I think it is always a good idea to follow your gut; the ability to percieve danger ahead of time is quite a phenomonal instinct. I guess I'll wake up tommorow morning and see how I feel.
(Random paragraph) I have to insert something for Josh:
Josh, I miss you so much! Today I would have loved the pleasure of sitting by the river with you and talking things through over a bowl. I found a beautiful weeping willow tree that I can go to lay under and feel like I'm in a dream. The way the willow vines gently blow in the breeze against white fluffy clouds is ridiculously peaceful. Put that to Thom Yorke and I'm in heaven. I can't wait for you to come home Josh. I loves ya.

This summer has been spectacular for me. I've made some brilliantly fun people, who have unconsciously pulled me out of my inner mud puddles. The C-thumps are such a colorful blessing to be around and I feel privilaged to be working with them. Speaking of work, I am here right now typing during a haunted hike. I suppose I should be off to the creepy field by the Cathedral pretending to be the infamous Mrs. Medley. Farewell my long lost readers.

2006-05-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Today I ventured with my Pa to Devon Middle School. It's always interesting coming back here. the familar smell of the stale halls reminds me of my discombobulated life as a pre-teen. The ouija boards; slushies and skittles for lunch; latching on to my best friend Jill and cursing the rest of the female middle school population; the black nail polish (oddly enough I am wearing it now.)and tuff girl attitude. What an odd time of life those years were. Confused but generally content and happy. Sometimes I don't feel to far off from adolesence. I still feel like I am in the body of a 13 year old and my hormones wander into the land of choas now and again. Oh how growing up terrifies me. I want to be young, beautiful, mysterious, luring, and liberated forever. I guess that the state of mind is a much more essential factor than the state of the physical body. Hmph..how primitive and materialistic I can be.

2006-04-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

FridayApril 21st -
I know this says it was published a week or so ago but that's a damn mistake.

The thoughts in my mind are spinning on a merry-go-round with rusty metal animals gripping them, forcing them to aimlessly spin. I really have no words for the chaotic colors being painted inside. Words are merely utterances: noises that stand for feelings, thoughts, and experience. In this case they are symbols. Signs. Insignias. They are not my Truth, they become yours. This is why I am starting to dislike writing entries in my blog. In fact, I haven't written in my own journal for such a long time...I'm becoming self conscious even infront of myself. How terriable is that? I'm afraid that I will somehow let myself down with a lack of anything better to say. Hmm...Okay, so I will simply write practical things untill I can get over this little fear that causes me to be reluctant to express.
This past week I moved in with my Dad and his girlfriend. It has been absolutely wonderful! I am quite horrible at adjusting to change but they have made me comfortable in everyway. I'm very thankful to be in such a warm envorinment. (Thanks Court for your advice and encouragment on this matter!) They both are very embracing towards my friends, which has served to really validated me. Oh and my room is lovely; very spacious. I finally have a double bed! If anyone of you friends of mine needs a place for the night..come crawl in with me!
On the sketchy side of things, I've been sick lately. I had a doctor's appointment on friday and I am schedualed to have further testing at the hospital on Monday. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I have to say thanks to Chase for driving me to the appointments and everything...you're a splendid friend you are...even though I know I act like a bitch half the time. Try to see past it.
So I suppose all is well other then being a bit ill. I am babysitting right now and I hear a tiny baby stirring so I should be off. I will try my darn hardest to keep this updated more.
Cheers!

2006-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

Do not ever fucking pull me again.

2006-03-29T05:06:00.000-08:00

In the silence of my innermost being,
in the fragments of my yearned-for wholeness,
can I hear the whispers of God's presence?
Can I remember when I felt God's nearness?
When we walked together and I let myself be embraced by God's love.

2006-03-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

Weekend in Hdot!
I have safely returned from a weekend of adventures in the city Halifax. I didn't want to leave Hdot God dammit! It is so strange to me how that city feels like good ol' home. Maybe it will be home someday. I have had enough of Freddy beach...there is nothing to this dried up place except universities and a quiet comfortable suburban life. I feel landlocked here. GET ME OUT!
Continuing on with my Hali endevours,.. I got to spend some time with a few past friends from SSU - specifically Andrew, Joel, Steph, Noah and Billy. It was a lovely getting to catch up with them. Colorful, directionless, meaningfull, free people they are. The highlight of my weekend was being in the presence of Courtney. I was suprised at how much fun we had together. Plain silly stupid simple fun. Courtney is a student of the Universe and she taught me all about gravity, black holes, worm holes, the sun, time and space. Absolutely fascinating! You should hear this lovely lady go off on one of her passionate speals about how the Universe is perfect in its entirety. I certainly feel more *insignificant* (in a purely perspective sense) after learning from her. Humans are really just a speck of dust in this Universe, yet eternity exists within each of us somehow. COURTNEY AMBER RITA SMITH START YOUR OWN BLOG!!!
Today, I went to St. Martin's for a two hour psychologist appointment. Today he pointed out how psychology just deals with cognitions and overt/covert behaviours (thoughts and actions) but what I need to deal with is my heart. I DON'T HAVE A "HEART" ....NEWS FLASH...EMOTIONAL HEARTS AREN'T REAL!!!! I think some people forgot along the way that a heart is just a metaphorical illusion and the only purpose of this life sustaining organ is to pump blood. Everything exists in the mind...our experiences, emotions, spiritual longing, love even! These are not heart issues my friends. It exists all in our MIND MIND MIND.
Alright, I could write much more but it would be fragmented and distorted because I am craving a ciggarette and it is my only paradigm right now. Damn addictions. I will try to post more frequently. Untill then, keep your lips locked and eyes wide open.

2006-03-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

You Are 88% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting.You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com/howopenmindedareyouquiz/

(These are stupid little fun quizes I decided to post once in awhile. Paste your results in the comment section. ~ peace xo)

2006-03-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

A Rotten Skull on a Stick -
What a down right plain old shitty fucked up week. It started off with bouts of panic and then the monster managed to claw its way back into my brain...throwing everything off its delicate balance. It never ceases to baffle me how one moment can completely change everything. I had a massive lab report due on Monday but I couldn't bring myself to concentrate on the computer screen or keyboard. My thoughts were fragmented through space yet it felt like sheer nothingness was the only matter resting between my ears. I had to go to the clinic to get a doctor's note for an extention. On tuesday I was supposed to write a midterm but there was no way I would have been capable of producing anything coherent, so yet again I got a doctor's note along with a visit to the Psyc nurse in the ER. One positive spin is thesleeping pills I was perscribed which have really helped to knock me out at night. I don't even feel the least bit groggy in the morning. Apparently, I gag and choke in my sleep when I take two. My mother came rushing in my room at 3 in the morning and woke me up all concerned. I didn't know what in the hell she was worried about...infact I have no memory of choking at all. I guess barbituates cause respitory depression. Oh yes, speaking of drugs, I was able to write my Drugs and Behaviour midterm on Thursday. I applied myself and studied for 5 hours striaght. I definitely got an A on that sucker.
My relationships have suffered through a rollercoaster of drama this week. I will spare the world the gruesome details. I just have to realize that there is conflict because we genuinely care for eachother. It's just that sometimes we all have difficulty seeing things from another person's perspective. We can all be so god damn touchy and personalize every off beat comment. I admit that I can be so fucking self-absorbed that I become blinded by my own inability to see outside myself. I truly hate this about myself. I guess we all are capable of it though. I just want to publically apoligize to everyone that had some sort of interaction with me this week. I wasn't myself and if I stood anyone of you up (i.e. Andrew Hodge- i love you!) I am sorry!!! Thanks for your patience and understanding.
Tonight has been really slow but enjoyable in a relaxing way. While everyone is out getting hammered in honor of St. Patrick, I'm home with my mom. Her and I bought some Chineese food, sat on the couch with Lucy Amber and watched Friends. I don't really have that close of a connection with her anymore but I really needed her tonight and just to sit next to her was quite beneficial and healing.
My Dad called me this week and informed me that the official moving date is April 13th. In a way I am very excited but a small part of me is scared. It's going to be hard to leave this comfort zone, which I have called home since I was a child...but I suppose an era has got to hault to an end eventually. I just wish it could be more positive terms. The house is in Nasonworth which is a few minutes past New Maryland. It will be so quiet out there! I have never lived outside the city, except for camp but we all know that camp is filled with constant commotion and youthful noise. I wonder how I will adjust. To be honest, I am a miserable failure when it comes to adjustment! I spiraled out of control when I had to move to Riverview last summer but I suppose that was a more extreme case. This time I will have my friends close by...hopefully. I applied for a summer job out there as the Day Camp Program Supervisor. I think that would be a lot of fun and something I'd excell at. Don't worry - I am not this pathetic and melancholie with children!! Quite the opposite actually. They cause me to bleed out hope and I can't help but be enthusiasticly joyful with the innocent. Their simplicity and vivid imaginations put everything into perspective for me. It is most definitely the best therapy!
Anyway dear ones, this entry is becoming tedious and contains ramblings I didn't intend on so I will sign off. I leave you with this simple quote for the day:

"The way the mind works is dualistically - a way of opposites. When we label anything or anyone, we also identify its opposite. When we release the bad, the good disappears also. When we let go of justice, injustice ceases to exist. When we recall Oneness of all things, there are no more opposites, there just IS." - Eckhart Tolle

2006-03-07T09:56:00.000-08:00

Time for a sappy moment -
"At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Isn't this quote amazing? To think we are all a picturesque piece of diversity in unity. I immensley enjoy that thought. I basically just wanted to post this quote for all of my friends to read. I see so much uniqueness in each and every one of you and when I'm not being selfish or stubborn, I well up with deep blue oceans of love for all of you. You are all so beautiful in perplexing, peculiar, and diverse ways. Keep deviating and changing.

2006-03-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

Me and Justin H.

Today was rather beautiful and pleasent, well except for one dramatic mishap that I best not discuss on this. Chase and I decided to take Lucy Amber to the dog park. I must say that I have the best trained dog in all of freddy beach. She is so very polite and well natured. Unfortunately, Lucy is a bit too submissive. When dogs go about their usual bussiness of sniffing eachother's buttoxs', Lucy lays down on the groud and speads eagle without a snippet of shame! All the male dogs fall in love with her and want to marry her but I tell them they are not good enough for such a divine creature as Lucy Amber. Anyhow, she was only proposed to three times today but got most dirty. When we got home from the park, I took one good look into those big brown eyes and exclaimed, "Lucy Amber, I shant play with you again untill you've had a bath." So i filled the tub and crumbled up a few crackers in the tub so she would get in. It looked like a big rectangle bowl of chicken soup with crackers floating around in it. My dog loves soup so she jumped in the tub and I was able to scrub her off. After my adventures with Lucy, I went to Justin Howe's house and we had a very nice chat for a couple hours. I love conversing with him. He is brutally honest in the most caring and loving of ways. Thanks for all your help honey muffin. Now I am burnt out as that usually happens with smoking. Off to bed! OH! I have been having the most amazingly marvelous dreams lately. I think I will post a few. All is well in wonderland.

2006-03-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Friday Night Fun
I experienced a sad and suprising loss yesternight. A portion of my hair. I now have bangs and I am adjusting to this new choppy lifestyle. As you may know, I can sometimes get quite impulsive so I asked my friend Nick to cut a section of my hair short. Sure enough, he obeyed but the section ended up perfectly striaght which looked a bit odd, especially since I have curly locks. So Danielle fixed it under the guidance and direction of Justin. I guess it looks alright.
In other news, I want to get a magical unicorn tattoo.

2006-03-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

"Why little girl, you want to live so bad that you're confusing it with wanting death."
"Perhaps." she distantly replied.

2006-02-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

My wonderful friend Justin Howe introduced me to a small series of deranged cartoons called "Salad Fingers." They are twisted, dark, and strangely beautiful. I advise all of you to go check it out at:
www.fat-pie.com
Click on cartoons on the left side of the screen and scroll down to look for Salad Fingers. Lemme know what you kids think!

2006-02-26T16:53:00.000-08:00

"Only those who give over all desire to reject can know that their own rejection is impossible"

I feel like I have to hold some sort of level of reservation while expressing thoughts on this on-line journal but a substantial part of me just wants to say fuck it and spill right from my soul. But I know I cannot do that. There are too many people out to get me. Seriously, that isn’t paranoia kicking in.
I decided that I am going to move in with my Dad in March. I think this is a very smart decision. My mother and I are constantly at odds with each other. We both fail to compromise and see things from the other’s perspective. I think I need to be more independent anyway. I suppose this break could be liberating in some ways and dangerous in others. God, I don’t know.
This weekend was chaotic, stressful, exhilarating, peaceful, dark, exhausting, sketchy, and hilarious. Courtney came down on Thursday and me and Anna made her stay for the night. We visited a parallel universe, traveling there through a multi-colored cloud. It was really quite spectacular. The whole day was filled with uncertainty and so much anxiety. By 9 pm, we were all perpetually annoyed and depressed, waiting at Reid’s. Waiting, wanting….still waiting. Eventually ‘things’ fell into place and we were checked in by 11 pm. For the first few hours, we were restless and uncertain of what to do. Then something snapped and we all felt it in one instance. It was like there was a shift in the atmosphere. After this shift, everything was as it should be. I just kept thinking that the type of contentness I was feeling should be accessible in everyday normal life. I know that it is attainable but it takes some severe sacrifices. Some I am unwilling to give up at the moment. After visiting every imaginable place in the universe, I fell into a disassociative state where I was completely detached but not in a negative way like you may think. I was pure being. At about 5:00 am I talked myself into closing my eyes, which felt impossible, letting the darkness blanket my visual space. I drifted into a light sleep and crawled out of bed at 8:30 to call Justin to pick me up for school. I sat through class forgetting to place my negations where they were needed.
Oh school…I haven’t thought of you in so long. When I am depressed, all I dwell on is getting straight A’s and perfectionism. When I am impulsive, as I have been lately, I shove these neurotic ambitions aside and seek to fuck myself up as much as possible. I think I am a pro on both avenues. I fluctuate between impulsivity and major depressive disorder. Both are unbearable.
Okay, I should try to sleep now. Believe it or not…this blog is kind of surfacey for me right now. While writing, I had so many things locked in my head that I wanted to get out but I can’t do that right now. Maybe tomorrow. I’m still waiting…waiting, waiting.

2006-02-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our parents dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies

My hands feel like chizeled ice, my whole body is hot and clamy and my stomach is in knots. Ahh anxiety. Sometimes I just get anxious for no particular reason at all. Well perhaps this time it's due to the fact that my mom is suggesting (coercing) me to move out. A couple of days ago she decided to break into my e-mail and came across a letter from a friend who wanted to drugs on the weekend. We didn't end up doing them ofcourse but she was enraged that I would even "entertain the thought." News flash Mom, I entertain the thought each day of my existence but actually carrying out the action is another story. Just because someone thinks or dwells on something doesn't make them a maladaptive or disfunctional person. Drugs is my struggle. And to be honest, I have been progressing quite well. I abolished my xanax dependency a few weeks ago and that was a huge step for me, seeing I have been on benzodiazapines for about a year now. To be honest, sobriety feels rather odd now. For some reason I was watching Jack Osbourne's "Adrenaline Junkie" and he was saying how once you cut out drugs, you're always searching for something to fill that 'god shaped void' but it is nearly impossible to fill. This is so true. Everything becomes grey and boring and it's like you have been robbed of natural fun because of your once synthasized bliss. I guess right now I am learning how to cope with abstemiousness and to find meaning in the mundaine. I think back to how I was when I was a child. Everything was wrapped up in contentness and conectedness. Trotting through a muddy path with zeal and excitement just to explore the surroundings of a neighborhood. There was never any nagging restlessness or isolation. I guess it's just unfortunate that my mother cannot see that I am really trying. Sometimes I just need her to validate my thoughts and experiences instead of always saying "it's not good enough." I hate those words. They rip me apart and claw at everything I am. I'm really scared about what my Father thinks, who I love to death. The one request I had was that she not tell my Dad what she had read but ofcourse she felt that he had a right to know that I almost considered a weekend of indulging in psychoactive substances. My mom would just rely an overdramatized account of what she thinks she knows. I feel like she is out to try and get my Dad to act consistent with her beliefs. And sometimes i feel like she is trying to minimize the value of our relationship. She once said to me that his opinion of anything in my life didn't matter since he was absent 99% of the time. OUCH! I don't know what I would do if my father treated me like her. I am constantly afraid of what he thinks of me. I want to be perfect for him. I know that is a very unattainable goal. I just have to be content in knowing that he loves me unconditionally and will always support me. He's a good man.

2006-02-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

God is an infinite circle whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. - St. Augustine

I really love this quote. It speaks of the limitless dimensions of God. God is everywhere, yet nowhere. For me the topic of God is filled with so much uncertainty yet I have some sort of inner serenity. I don't feel an urgerncy to try and figure out the will of God, in fact I don't even believe there is a specific plan for someone's life that is ordained by God. We were created with desires, hopes and dreams but not detailed callings. I think where we go in life, what we believe and do is all up to us. How we create our own reality is part of free will I suppose. I take peace in the moral responsibility that I have for creating my life. Sometimes this journey seems mundaine, other times scary as hell but if I try to live with the knowledge of that inner peace I feel inside, then life is quite enchanting. God is everywhere. I may not know this Ultimate Being as I used to, due to the attribuation of "fatherly"/human characteristics to a "him" but all I need right now is to rest in the fact that God exists and I am apart of the Divine.

2006-02-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

21 Random Things I Love
Right now I'm in an empty house with no sounds or movement. It's peaceful but in a sense, invasive. I decided it would be productive to make a list of some of the things I love most or have previously loved. In no order:

1. The triangular galaxy in the sky that I can only see with my periphrial vision.
2. "Eye sessions"
3. Those magical moments in the field from 2004. (seriously...best time of my life.)

4. When a child says "I love you."
5. Traveling to an old light house with my Dad.
6. Sticking my toes in the ice cold ocean in March, anticipating the arrival of Summer.
7. Simple divine cheesecake.
8. Moments of Remembrance, Oneness, or Being. (It's really all the same. You 'Remember' Who You Really Are and therefore feel "One" with everything, which is the act of 'Being.')
9. Adventures in a small tent with Justin Howe involving sleeping pills, beer, ciggarettes, radiohead and angry raindrops.
10. Drinking tea with someone you love.
11. When being content takes over nostalgic feelings.
12. Parking by the SJRiver in Devon with Chase, listening to his Ipod and drinking Tim's.
13. My old "closet" at SSU. (Everyone hated it and said they got "bad vibes" from it but I reveled in its mysterious energy.)
14. Smoking on the porch of my old house at SSU, sitting in the middle of Jenessa and Andrew, laughing untill it hurt.
15. My little Lucy-lu puppy-poochy-cutie-putie. (My golden retriever).
16. Making delicious pancakes with my girl for breakfast on Sunday.
17. Going to the "magic forest" with Court to clean up the litter and then have a campfire and roast hotdogs. mmm.
18. Sidewalk chalk!
19. Lucid dreaming. (I always make myself fly over the ocean.)
20. The realization that there is always enough.
21. The feeling of purposeful bliss I got when I did ballet.

2006-02-17T06:03:00.000-08:00

Look it's Thom!
Saturday Morning -
The later part of last night was unspeakable.
I'm still basking in the afterglow. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I am having difficulty with interpreting it. [Oh decietful ambiguity.] That's all I will say. mmm, except my impulsively moody friend Josh decided to excersize his pyro potential and lit my hair on fire. I had about an inch of dried and hay looking string but my love for Josh still remains.
I don't really know what to do with myself today. I spent two hours laying in bed listening to Fiest and Frou Frou, reading about the mechanism actions of opiods and methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Maybe i will study some, drink coffee and smoke a ciggarette. Story of my life. Right now there is generic cheezy worship music blarring from the kitchen and somehow the guitarist is hitting these unbearable chords that are exacerberating my head ache and making my eyes water. I must retreat to my room...it is in shambles and could use the touch of a person with OCD.

2006-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I understand that last post was a bit grim but sometimes the things i described really do encapsulate my essence. When i feel things, I feel them all the way down to my feet. I don't know if this is a curse or a gift. I guess it depends on the context. Anyway, I am not a chronic sadistic sad person.
This morning I woke up to yet another screaming accusation. (my mother has been accusing me of theft and fraud!!) I decided i wasn't going to let her schizophrenic paranioa get to me anymore. So I dressed like a dazzeling rock star! This may seem weird but sometimes when I dress strangly in novel ways, I become the part and can temporaily disconnect myself from the situational reality. KEY - I always put on facades of some sort depending who i am with, whether it be through self-image, self-presentation, interests, or whatever. It eventually becomes a rusted tangled mask that I attempt to view the world out of. It always fails. Way to be real eh? I think it is just a typical Fraudian defence mechanism. Sometimes I think human interaction has become so void of meaning. We all act like Robots, spitting out the sociably desirable sentence when asked, "how are you?" "Oh, I'm good, thanks." ARE YOU GOOD? Could you please elaborate or just look me in the eyes? I want real human moments. I want to see you and I want you to see me. It's honest, it's beautiful. It's holy.

2006-02-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

I base a big part of who i am on my battle with depression. A part of me is terrified of attempting to give up my melancholie disposition. I've forgotten Who I Am without it. I wrote this entry a couple months ago before i feebly attempted suicide. I thought i would share it just so people can obtain a concrete idea of how paralyzing depression can really be. The words are terriably dark but then again so is the disease that vehemently raptures mine and others existences. Here it is:

I don’t even know what fucking day it is, or where I stand in the continuum of time. It all seems so irrelevant to me anyway. I’m fucking frozen with an icy grip that encompasses my being. Everything I see are distorted shades of grey that leave me stranded in a bland existence of inactivity. The very details of my life are like a huge canvas filled with colorless chaotic scribbles with no direction or meaning.

These are just catatonic manifestations of the black wave washing away my being.

The relapse started creeping up on me yesterday like the way a fat cat waits for a tiny white mouse to come out of its safe little hole in the wall and then bites off his head. All of a sudden, it seemed that the sun just became an empty translucent glare as it often does in the bitter coldness in February. My mother took my pills out of the original hiding place so when I inconspicuously crawled around her presence to retrieve them, I found they were gone. My world split in half. What do I have without those pills? Sheer bland nothingness. It felt like a life support cord had been ripped from the monotonous machine that barely keeps me breathing, forcing my deceitful life-force to decay. After the miscarriage my cynical paradigm about life had shifted into a positive outlook filled with vibrant hope, or so I thought it seemed but we all know a psychological shift is all too easy when you're loaded up on painkillers and tranquilizers that keep the black monster known as depression from clawing his way through your mind. I cannot bear this deep freeze settling in around my bones at the thought of yet another attempt to get out of my life alive. Time has become palpable and viscous. Every minute, every second, every nanosecond is wrapped around my spine so that my nerves tighten and ache. I feel like i am fading into abstraction like a self generated narcosis, created by a dull painful blank where my mind used to be. i can't even bring myself to think about the tumultuous amounts of school work that i must mindlessly attempt. What is the fucking point of school anyway? Status and money aren't going to take this brain disease away. I've receded, I’m lost. And that’s the truth. i am no different than i was a year ago, except that i now know there is nothing i can say or do to erase the despair that is tattooed on my ego. The monster comes and goes but even when he is gone; all your desperate apathetic emotions lay dormant, like a benign tumor waiting to turn cancerous. And then, all of a sudden, there he is… waiting to dissolve your already shattered essence over and over again. And does he ever do it damn well.